I Lost The Hat
by mightydeafeningmouse
Summary: Maybe Phillip shouldn't have lost the hat, but maybe Barnum shouldn't have made him cry.


"You...what?" Barnum narrowed his eyes, glaring at the man in front of him.

However, Phillip's attention was focused elsewhere as he hung up the dark red ringmaster's coat. "I lost the hat. Don't worry though, I'll replace it," he said.

"You'll... _replace_...it?" Barnum hissed out slowly. Phillip didn't seem to sense Barnum's anger.

"Yeah, I'll buy a new one tomorrow." Phillip finally looked up at Barnum. Seeing the controlled anger that Barnum's face displayed, he tilted his head in confusion.

"Are-are you mad?" Phillip heard his voice climb to a pitch higher than usual. "Cause, I'll buy a new one, I promise. I'll go to the shop right now if you-if that's what you want." Anxiety crept up the walls of his stomach.

Barnum paused, making eye contact with the younger man. "Phillip," He began in a low, slow, anger filled voice. "That was my father's hat."

Phillip felt the familiar feeling of straight up fear, making his heart pound inside his rib cage.

"I-I...I'm so sorry," Phillip swallowed.

"You... _lost_...my father's hat?" Barnum took a step towards Phillip, hands balled into fists. "My late father's hat?" His voice started to grow in volume.

Barnum sounded a little too much like Phillip's father before he transfixed his son to a bloody pulp for Phillip to feel safe.

 _He's not going to hit you,_ Phillip thought to himself. _He won't hurt you, he's your friend, remember?_

Phillip's body didn't seem to remember Barnum being his friend. His hands began to shake as Barnum towered over his smaller frame.

"How could you lose my hat! My father's hat!" Barnum raised his voice. "Answer me!" He shouted out the order.

"I-I'm sorry, I-I didn't-I didn't mean to." Tears brimmed Phillip's eyes. Barnum, lost in his rage, didn't notice Phillip's distress.

"Dammit, Phillip!"

 _He's gonna hit me. He's gonna hit me._

He growled. "I thought you were more responsible than this!"

 _Useless. Burden. Talentless. Pathetic. Selfish. Weak. Worthless._

"You probably lost it a bar. Too drunk to give a damn!" Barnum was full on yelling. Tears threatened to spill onto Phillips cheeks.

 _He's going to hit you. Why should he not? You lost his hat, you were being selfish and irresponsible. You deserve to be hit._

Every fiber in Phillip's body was telling him to cover his head and hide, but all Phillip could do was stand there frozen and listen to Barnum scream.

Suddenly, Barnum clamped his hands down on Phillip's shoulders.

Now, Barnum was a controlled man; he didn't hit people. Never, never, had he ever raised a hand to Caroline, Helen, Charity, or any member of his circus, ever. Sure, he had yelled, raised his voice, maybe scared them a little, but when he came to his sense and realized he was scaring them, immediately he stopped and apologized.

This was no different with Phillip. Barnum had never hit Phillip, and he wasn't planning on ever hitting Phillip.

So, when Barnum placed his hands down on Phillip's shoulders, he wasn't hurting him, there was no physical pain involved, but the sudden contact sent alarm bells ringing throughout Phillip's head.

He flinched instantly, legs stumbling back and away from Barnum. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Phillip cried out, tears finally streaming down his cheeks in fear.

Barnum felt like he had been hit in the face by twenty bricks. All traces of his rage disappeared the moment he noticed Phillip was crying.

He made a move to step forward, but Phillip took off, sprinting across the room.

"Phillip, wait!" Barnum called out, running after Phillip.

Phillip realized too late that he had run in the opposite direction of the door. He reached the corner of the room and leaned into the wall, trying to stay as far away from Barnum as he could.

Unfortunately for him, Barnum caught up quickly.

Barnum approached him like he would an injured animal, his hands up where Phillip could see them.

Barnum's head tilted in concern. "Phillip?" He spoke softly.

Upon hearing Barnum speak, Phillip flinched violently into the wall.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don't," Phillip sobbed, his shaking hands clutched to his chest.

Barnum felt a wave of guilt as he saw Phillip's entire body was trembling.

Barnum took a slow step toward him. "It's okay, Phil. It's okay."

"No, please! Please don't. Please," More tears flooded Phillip's face. Guilt nested itself deep inside Barnum's gut.

"I just want to help you, okay? I'm going to help you," Barnum took another slow step as he kept his eyes fixed on Phillip.

Phillip curled in on himself. "Please don't hit me," He whimpered.

Barnum froze.

 _Oh god,_ he thought. _Oh god. He thinks, he thinks I'm going to-to hit him. He thinks I'll hurt him, oh god._

Tears welled in Barnum's eyes as he watched Phillip cower in fear from him.

Barnum took a step back, giving his friend space. "Hey, it's okay, Phil. I'm not going to hit you, I promise. You're safe, nobody's going to hurt you." He murmured soothingly.

Phillip cowered and pressed himself even more into the wall.

"Phillip, hey, it's me. You remember me, yeah? It's P.T." He tried to comfort. "It's okay, buddy. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. I'm not mad, it's okay, you're safe."

Phillip peeked out behind trembling fingers. "Ph-Phin?" His quiet, childlike voice cracked on the one syllable name.

Relief flooded Barnum from head to toe. "Yeah, bud. It's me, Phineas."

Phillip lowered his hands from his face. "Phin," He whimpered.

Barnum took a step toward Phillip, almost smiling when he didn't flinch.

"Can I come over to you? It's okay, no one's going to hurt you, you're safe," Barnum took another step, now only four feet away.

Phillip didn't look scared anymore. He stood up straight, the trembling in his body ceased a little.

"Phineas." Phillip whispered timidly as a few more tears trickled down from his glassy eyes.

Barnum felt his heart shatter as Phillip stood before him, shaking and whimpering. His innocent emerald blue eyes stared into Barnum's, and he stuttered out another apology.

Barnum wasted no time and pulled Phillip into a firm, yet gentle and loving embrace that Phillip weakly returned.

 _Has Phillip always been this small?_

Tears soaked Barnum's shirt as Phillip rested his head against the taller man's shoulder.

"Shh, it's okay. I've got you, you're safe, its okay," Barnum pressed a kiss to Phillip's temple and rubber the younger's back soothingly.

Phillip's arms tightened around Barnum's waist. "Don't go. Please don't leave me alone again," He cried.

 _Again,_ Barnum thought bitterly. _He said don't leave again._

"I won't, buddy. I'm right here, I'm not leaving, shhh. It's okay," Barnum whispered comfortingly. "You're safe, I've got you, buddy. I've got you."

Barnum hugged him tighter, and dammit, this time he wasn't letting go.


End file.
